Where perfectionism exists, shame is also lurking.

Brené brown

Shame is a deeply rooted and insidious emotional state that tells us that we are bad, fundamentally flawed, and unworthy of love, belonging and connection. Perfectionism is closely linked to shame. According to Brené Brown, perfectionism says “if I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Our capitalistic and individualist culture feeds this perfectionism and shame, telling us regularly though social media, marketing campaigns, and other modern snake oils that if only we look a certain way, buy a certain product, earn a certain about of money, then we will be enough. We will be worthy of belonging, acceptance, and love.

It’s not true.

You aren’t perfect, and neither am I. You and I are both exquisitely flawed human beings. We make mistakes. We come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, genders, races, neurotypes, sexualities and all of them are worthy of love, belonging, and acceptance. Sometimes I’m happy and enthusiastic and optimistic. Other time I’m forlorn, weary, sluggish, and pessimistic. Both states are worthy of love and compassion, and that compassion needs to begin with you.

Self-compassion is recognizing and accepting your whole imperfect self. It’s being gentle with yourself when times get tough, things don’t go your way, or you make a mistake. It’s showing yourself tenderness, understanding, and grace when you need it most.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

Carl Rogers

Some wonder if this self-compassion equates with complacency. Curiously, usually it is the exact opposite. Change begins with self-compassion and acceptance of ourself, just as we are. When we can show ourselves self-compassion, we can come out of fight/flight/freeze and respond with our whole self. We can be guided by our inner wisdom rather than our fears.

How counselling can help

In counselling, we begin with the feelings. For many of us, this can be very difficult. We live in a culture that privileges thoughts and logic. Culturally valid feelings are sometimes limited to happy, sad, or mad. We will begin to look underneath happy, sad, and mad to some of the more nuanced feelings. These feelings give us clues into where to go next.

Sometimes people cope with difficult feelings in destructive ways, such as substance abuse, interpersonal conflict, self-harm, or other addictive or harmful behavior. If this is the case for you, we will consider what we need to do to keep you and others safe enough. This might include community resources, medical supports, and/or building alternative ways of coping. If and when you are safe enough, we will continue to dig deeper.

There are different approaches we can take, depending on what you are most comfortable with. Some of the approaches I use include Internal Family Systems (IFS), Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), and somatic therapy. All involve slowing down, experiencing your feelings, investigating them, and nurturing self-compassion for them.

Our feelings are always trying to help us in some way. Once we are able to slow down and listen to them with self-compassion, then the real work of change can begin. This is when we can begin to uncover your inner wisdom, values, identity, and/or purpose.

When you are ready to get started on this brave work, please reach out, or book an appointment.