Pregnancy loss – miscarriage, stillbirth, and abortion – can be an incredibly painful and lonely experience. It can bring feelings of intense sadness, grief, guilt, shame, stress, and, sometimes, trauma.

In Canada, 15-25 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 8.1 of 1000 total births end in stillbirth, although just because they are relatively common experiences does not mean that they are easy ones. There are many reasons that these types of losses are so difficult.

For some people, the cultural stigma, silence, and isolation that surrounds miscarriage, stillbirth, and abortion can invalidate the depth of grief that they feel for what they lost. In our Western culture we simply don’t know what to do or say when a pregnancy ends without a babe-in-arms. There’s no “Sorry for your miscarriage” cards on pharmacy shelves. It is not common practice to hold funerals or memorials for stillborn infants. It can be as if the miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion didn’t happen on the outside, but inside it is all-consuming.

Complex cultural stigmas continue to equate cis-women’s worth and purpose with childbearing; when a pregnancy ends for any reason, this can lead feelings of guilt, shame, and identity questioning. You may find yourself questioning your womanhood, or if you are meant to be a mother. You may feel broken. You may resent and disconnect from your body. You may turn to substances, shopping, or doom-scrolling to cope. You may disconnect from family and friends who don’t seem to understand your pain.

I get it. I understand your pain.

I’ve been through this – four times. I’ve watched family and friends go through this. I know each and every person, miscarriage, stillbirth, and abortion is different.

How counselling can help

You can ugly-cry with me. Together we can wade through the thick and complex feelings of grief, guilt, confusion, stress, relief, empowerment, or whatever else is going on for you.

We can consider what your miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion means to you in your life. What is it that you lost? An embryo? A baby? A pregnancy? A hope? A dream? Yourself?

In counselling, we can talk about how you may want to recognize whatever you lost, if that’s meaningful to you. Some people plant a garden, hang a special piece of art, or plan a ceremony. There’s lots of creative ways to memorialize your loss, if that’s what you want to do.

Counselling can examine your family history, culture, and identity to understand your reproductive story and together we can write a new story that adds in some plot twists.

If you are experiencing prolonged grief or post-traumatic stress, we can treat these complications. If you are experiencing anxiety, depression, or dissociation, we can treat these too.

Together, we can begin to challenge the parts of our culture that make this experience so difficult. We can advocate for change. We can break the silence. We can challenge the stigmas.

I do all this with a combination of Bowen Family Systems therapy, Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (similar to CBT), somatic therapy, and narrative therapy.

If you have or are experiencing pregnancy loss, I’m so very sorry. I’m here to walk through this experience with you. Please reach out, or book an appointment.