Loss is something that each of us will experience throughout our lifetime. Some losses are tangible, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a home in a fire, or the loss of a pet. Other losses are intangible, such as the loss of safety, trust, ability, role, hope, job, and so on.
According to grief and loss expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt, grief is the meaning that you give to the loss. Grief hurts – both emotionally, and physically. Grief is also a normal and natural part of the human experience. Experiencing grief usually does not mean you are depressed or broken; rather, it means that whatever it is that you lost was meaningful to you. That doesn’t make you broken, it makes you human.
Linear models of the stages of grief have now been reconceptualized as non-linear “tasks” or “touchstones” of grief. Wolfelt defines these touchstones as:
- Opening to the presence of your loss
- Dispelling misconceptions about grief
- Embracing the uniqueness of your grief.
- Exploring your feelings of loss
- Recognizing that you are not crazy
- Understanding the your needs for mourning
- Nurturing yourself
- Reaching out for help
- Seeking reconciliation, not resolution
- Appreciating your transformation
Many people will not need counselling and will move through these touchstones of grief at their own pace, gradually finding that they are able to return to their daily life or to a new normal. They will always feel their grief – grief doesn’t go away, it just changes. They will find that their grief transforms and they are able to move through it differently over time.
Some people can experience complicated or prolonged grief. Prolonged grief is considered when a person experiences ongoing distress and significant problems returning to social, occupational, or other important areas of life more that one year following the loss.
Other may experience disenfranchised grief, especially if the loss was intangible or not culturally recognized, such as infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion. Lack of social validation and support along with stigma and shame may contribute to loneliness, isolation, lack of emotional support, and difficulty reconciling the loss.
How counselling can help
If you are struggling following a loss, counselling can help walk with you through the touchstones of loss. Loss can bring up big existential questions about your life, its meaning, and your purpose. Grief can present an opportunity to examine your life within the context of the reality of death. Therapies such as Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), and narrative therapy may help you to uncover, refocus, and restory what is important and meaningful to you in your life.
If you think you might be experiencing complicated or prolonged grief, counselling can be a critical part of your care. If you are feeling meaningless, purposeless, stuck, numb, or depressed, counselling can help. Similar to treatment for anxiety and depression, we can examine your life and your loss. We can piece apart parts of yourself that may be preventing you from walking forward and figure out why. We can find ways to both maintain an ongoing connection to your loss in a way that feels right for you and to move through life with your grief as a part of it.
If you are feeling the loneliness and isolation of disenfranchised grief, counselling can be part of your support system. As counsellors, we are comfortable going places that many people in our culture aren’t. We can talk about your loss and you can opening mourn your loss with me. We can identify more circles of support for you so that you can move forward.
I do all this with a combination of Bowen Family Systems therapy, Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (similar to CBT), somatic therapy, and narrative therapy.
I’m so very sorry for the loss(es) you have experienced and I’m here to walk with you through your grief. Please reach out, or book an appointment.