Love them or hate them, we are all have a family of some form, whether that is a family of origin or a family of creation. Family can include intimate partners, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, best friends, canine and feline companions, aunties, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, step parents, step children, neighbors, and whoever else you determine is part of your interdependent emotional network.

Murray Bowen viewed families as an interconnected emotional system. Family members constantly balance their need for individuality and togetherness – their need to be them selves, and their need to belong. Relationships and families handle stress in different ways. Some engage in direct conflict, shouting, arguing, or using violence. Some family members lose their sense of self, becoming too fused, enmeshed, or codependent with the emotional states of family members. Other family members distance themselves from the family system, becoming too apart or distant from the family. Sometimes a family member will seem to take over the functioning of the family, while others sit back, appearing lazy, apathetic, or complacent. Families can also create emotional triangles, such as when parents involve children in their conflict.

Do you recognize yourself or your family members in any of these patterns? There is good news. The patterns can be changed, and it starts with you.

Murray Bowen believed that if just one person in the family system changes, it begins a cascading series of changes throughout the family system. The late Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), also knew that recognizing the patterns (“the dance”) was one of the first steps in changing them. Counselling can help you to understand the patterns, or “dance”, in your relationships or family. With an understanding of these patterns, counselling can help to identify and support positive changes that you can make that will impact your entire family.

How counselling can help

To begin to understand your family patterns, I’ll ask you about your family members and the relationships between them. I may use a method called a genogram to document the structure and relationships in your family. Together, we’ll examine your family structure and relationships to observe what patterns emerge. Different cultures have different understandings and values for individuality and collectiveness; I will follow you, however you see the world.

Another important aspect of understanding your family is understanding your self. Knowing who you are will help you to maintain your own balance between your own individuality and your belongingness in your family in the way that you see it. Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) is a powerful way of uncovering your core self, and Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) can help to clarify your own values for your life. Self-compassion practices can help you manage your own stress.

When we have a better understanding of your family and your self, change emerges. Sometimes this can happen spontaneously through your own insight, and sometimes I can support your changes with evidence-based techniques. Of course, I will walk with you throughout your change, supporting you and encouraging you.

If you would like to better understand your relationship or family patterns and begin to change them, I’m can help you. Please reach out, or book an appointment. Please note that I do not provide couples or family counselling at this time; all appointments are for individuals.